Chemist-ry
by Twigman242
Summary: Hiccup has a challenge: get 20 condoms from the local chemist as a dare. The biggest problem? The cashier. She is tall, blonde, athletic and full of sass and puns. Hiccup feels more than a little awkward from the encounter. Prompt by DailyAU, challenged alongside Wolfie-Dragon and InsertACreativeNameHere!


**Chemist-ry**

"My friends dared me to buy 20 condoms but i didn't realize that the cute cashier would be working tonight so i avoided eye contact as i piled them onto the counter and please stop laughing so hard, oh my god it's for a dare okay i've never had sex in my life and once you stopped laughing, i swear i fell in love with that sparkle in your eye as you grinned wildly at me and asked me out for a drink" DailyAU over on Tumblr

* * *

Hiccup couldn't believe his luck.

Not in the good sense of course, when was it ever in the good sense?

No, of course the one time he had to go to the chemist to pick up something _other than his medication_ , the cute cashier who he _totally didn't have a crush on_ was the only one at the till.

Hiccup looked over his shoulder, toward the checkout. She was tall, blonde with blue eyes, athletic…he should stop listing at this point.

In his arms, were no less than 20 condoms. How in Odin's name was he going to explain this away? He would be laughed at and subsequently melt into a puddle, and no amount of medication in the world be able to help him, let alone this small shop.

She obviously wouldn't believe him if he explained it as a dare, best chance would be to just stare at the floor like it owed him something and go to the only other chemist in the city - half an hour journey by bus - from then on.

"Hey, do you need help with…oh."

If Hiccup could jump any higher, he would have hit the ceiling out of shock. Of course, she would leave the till and come to him to ask if he needed any help, he hadn't at all been stuck, rooted to the spot staring at the wall of sexual products in front of him for the past eight minutes.

"Planning on being busy tonight?" She said to him, winking at the same time.

"I uhhh, well, you see, n- ye-, no wait I uh…" Hiccup spluttered, feeling himself go red.

"I mean, if it would make life easier for you, you could always just take a tray full? They conveniently hold 20 at a time." She said, Hiccup sure that she was just trying to tease him at this point.

"N-no, I'm sure I'll be all right thanks…" He managed to reply. Would it be over the top to move to a different city? Forget just going to the other pharmacy.

"If you're sure, as long as big pockets aren't the only thing you've got down there, because those are the XXL size."

Of course she'd be sassy too. Why did he always go for the sassy ones?

"A-ah, oh, right I'd best change that…" Hiccup kicked himself mentally. Of course, he would look like an idiot in front of her too. Definitely moving country at this point.

"Actually, if I might make a recommendation?" She said suddenly, as Hiccup was picking up some more mortal sized packets. Now he was definitely sure she was toying with him. Why could life just not be simple…

"Uh, sure? I should probably get going soon though…" Hiccup mumbled, glancing at his watch. The gang probably thought he'd chickened out at this point…the cashier was standing closer to him now, almost brushing against his arm.

"Oh don't worry, I won't take up too much of your time. If you're wanting to impress your lady friend, perhaps go for something a bit more… _sensational_? Buying the cheapest stuff can be a real turn off, she really won't appreciate it. Perhaps…this one?" She leaned across him and pulled a metallic green packet off the shelf."

"I uh, well actually I don-" He began, but was interrupted by the blonde.

"I quite like this one myself, I should pick some more up now that I think about it." The cashier said, putting a couple into her pocket. Hiccup's heart sank, so she had someone…

"Oooh actually, this one is quite well received by our regulars. I've never given it a go but perhaps you can try it out for me and tell me how it feels for you?" She said, this time pulling a purple packet off the shelf.

"Th-thanks for your help bu-"

"Do you think you'll need any lube? I can recommend a good brand-"

"Idon'tactuallyhaveanyusefortheseit'salladare!" Hiccup blurted, so quickly that it may as well have all been one word.

She stopped, hand just about to grab a bottle, looking like she was processing his one-word sentence, before starting to laugh manically. Hiccup couldn't help but feel his heart sink even further at the beautiful sight in front of him, what he wouldn't give to see her laugh again…

Eventually she stopped laughing, wiping a tear from her eye; "Ok, I'm sorry about that, kind of unprofessional of me, so it's all for a dare you say?" There was a glint in her eye that made Hiccup both curious and slightly worried.

He gives a single, small nod, staring at the floor and unable to look her way.

"Yeah, I uh, have no… _experience_ , you could say, in this specific walk of life, so they uh, well you see what the dare was…" He mumbled, pretty sure she would laugh at him again and just walk away.

Hiccup felt a warm hand on his shoulder and looked her way, a sympathetic look on her face. He finally managed to compare their heights, since she was next to him; only a little shorter than he was, and at well over 6 foot tall, that made her a giant to most other people.

"It's alright to not know what it's like, I'm 21 and I only found out what it's like to have sex earlier this year. A big part is doing it with the right person. I regret who I did it with, so don't let that get in the way."

Hiccup's eyes drifted down toward her name-tag.

"Thanks uh, Astrid, do you mind if I call you that? Yeah I think I'll just take the 20 cheapest ones, the others can use them or something…" He trailed off.

"Only if I can call you Hiccup, Mr. Haddock." She said playfully, lightly punching him on the arm and causing Hiccup to give her a questioning look.

"What? I've given you your prescription enough times to remember who you are."

Oh. Right.

"Well, I'd best get going, I guess, mind if I just paid for these?" He motioned to the 20 no-brand condom packets in his arms, barely able to hold them all without dropping them.

Astrid giggled. "Of course you can, you don't have to ask me permission to buy them. Hel, I'd let you take them and bring them back after but I would like to keep my job." She began to make her way over to the counter, Hiccup in tow.

"I don't think they'd let me bring them all back. Everyone else is rather err, _active_ , in that department."

"Oh, so they get lots of sexercise?" Astrid said nonchalantly.

A vein in Hiccups head pulsed.

Oh she did not just make a pun.

"They get so much sexercise if the Pope saw them he'd call for a sexorcism!"

Two can play at that game.

"Well, as long as they practice _safe_ sex, they can do it as often as they like." Astrid said, hitting the large safe behind her.

"Oh it's safe alright, though one of them gets calls one of his side-girls part way through his conquest of someone else sometimes, I'm worried he'll get hearing aids in the future."

"Alright, that'll be 10 Berkian Dollars, can I entice you with a 69% discount?" She said apathetically, as if unconcerned about the topic of their pun-off. But Hiccup knew she just had a good poker-face.

"As much as I'd love to carry on with these puns, I'm thinking I should actually get going, before my friends think I've actually done a runner…" Hiccup admitted. That was all his luck taken, spent on making bad jokes with the stunning cashier at his chemist, he would probably never see her again or…

"Actually Hiccup, I knock off for the night in five minutes. Do you want to go out for a drink when I'm done? Perhaps you could introduce me to these friends of yours, I have a feeling I know _exactly_ who they are." Astrid asked, smiling at Hiccup.

"I think I'd like that…" He replied, feeling a little fuzzy inside, or was that the alcohol kicking in from earlier? He felt something hit him on the chest and looked down to see a sealed condom packet, the metallic green one. He looked back up at Astrid, whose smile had been replaced with a sly smirk.

"Maybe I could teach you how to use one of those too."

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Challenge between Wolfie-Dragon, InsertACreativeNameHere and myself. Sorry if it's not up to my usual standards (assuming I have any), it was a quick type and edit!


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